Okay, so as the title suggests today is the day to explore forgiveness. If you are reading this you either follow my mental health account on Instagram (@justlozzy), you searched this up or stumbled across it. Either way come on in, grab a cuppa and make yourself comfortable.
A bit of background info as to why I felt suddenly compelled to write about forgiveness at 2pm on a Thursday. As some of you may know from my instagram page, I like to share my personal tips on managing mental health. I myself, struggle with my mental health from time to time. I have enjoyed creating a tiny following of people that also share with me their ups and downs. Anyway, My mental health and inner voice is often negative and overly self critical. Through exploring my emotions through meditation, I have found that many of this inner chatter stems from past experiences. Basically I am one for holding grudges. You know that time when you pushed past me in 4th grade, I remember. That time I was left out of a game at 9 years old, I remember. That time you sent anonymous messages to me in year 10, I remember.
We all have things that make us angry and sometimes these things can feel very hard to let go of. We have all had less than helpful comments from a friend, unkind remarks whispered just within ear shot or larger more embarrassing moments of humiliation that make us cringe. I myself, have had my fair share of those. I have been working through these but thoughts that keep reoccurring are;
'If I forgive them I am just letting them off'
'I want them to know the pain they caused me'
'I have lost if I apologise first' etc etc.
By the way I am not sat here trying to pretend that I know all of the answers, I dont. But I am starting to understand. Thoughts that I once thought were just my negative self chatter I have found have stemmed from things said to me in the past. But I am starting to let go of things that have gripped me for so long and so tightly and so I thought I would share with you how. Here goes...
Acknowledge your feelings. Sounds simple. Sometimes its not. Feelings of sadness and anger are quite easy to identify and comparatively not so difficult to sit with. Its sitting with feelings such as humiliation and regret that can be harder. Its learning to sit and be okay with those emotions. To untangle the complexity of situations. The he said she said removed from what you thought they were thinking. To look back with fresh eyes. To see their flaws and your own. To try and see things from others perspectives. To find any empathy if that is due. To accept the events as they were.
Its important to remember that forgiveness is NOT saying that what happened was okay. Its NOT saying that you will now let these people back into your life. What it IS is letting go of the anger. Its giving you back the power.
Its also important to remember that revenge never helped anyone. Its most likely just going to hurt you more.
The person that said those mean things/ did those things holds your happiness if you don't forgive them. Take that power back!
Its also very important to forgive ourselves. Sometimes we forget, that we too, are human. We forgive those around us for little mistakes that 'make us human' but hold onto our own as if we hold ourselves to a higher standard. We shouldn't. This, I am working on.
Sometimes (and most often) those things we hold onto are hard to forgive because we too played a role in them. But you can apologise for your actions and this does not mean the conflict/ start of it/ main bulk of it was your fault.
Forgiveness cannot happen over night. Start small with the littler things that pop into your mind from time to time. Address that pain. Find empathy if you can. Find meaning (how has this helped you to grow?). Let it go.
And with that I thought I would share a little poem I wrote about my feelings on forgiveness:
Your words planted seeds of self doubt in my mind
They niggle just below my surface, waiting
One, two, three of them stick. Validating comments bedding them down.
Hurtful whispers solidify their branching roots
My own self hatred starts to feed them
These plants soon tower and consume me
They grasp me, too tight
They are me right? They must be true
Stop
I did not sew these weeds here
I feel their darkness and I pluck a leaf
I cut them away bit by bit
I understand. I feel
Light begins peeking through
I begin to grow now
and suddenly I see clearly, as if all at once
I pluck those last seeds sewn so long ago and I forgive.
Its a process.
Take care,
Lozzy x
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