Hi all,
Today I am going to discuss my thoughts on success and failure. I know big topic but let me first explain why this has taken up such a large part of my brain space as of late.
I lost my job a few weeks back and it has forced me to stop and think about how I feel. The feeling of failure washed over me and I felt a loss much deeper than just a job. The loss of a future fantasy I had created in my mind and a loss of some of my self worth I had connected to work. So I have sat in my flat feeling a bit sorry for myself and very lost as to what to do next. I feel as though this will be a blessing as it will give me the space to discover what I really enjoy and want to do. But for now, I have just been trying to redefine my connection to 'success'. Basically it has been a very uncomfortable process that I am still navigating but I thought I would share some gems of wisdom and perspective that got me thinking.
How can we define success and failure?
What is success? By definition it is 'achieving your goals'. That seems so simple and lacking in stress compared to the definition I had created including expectations and deadlines. So if I just wanted to sit on my bum all day and do nothing could I say I felt successful? I guess so...but where does this sense of failure come from on a bigger scale? Why do I feel pressure to do 'big things' in my life outside of my own being?
Western society has set us up for a fall. The idea that 'if you work hard enough you can be anything' is false. That depends on a lot of things such as money, background, genes and a good dose of luck. As children we are praised for good grades so we work harder. We want to be the best and strive forward with 'I must be successful' attitude. This is all very well but becomes damaging when we start to place our sense of worth onto our perceived 'success' measured in societies goal posts. Suddenly instead of just failing a test becomes a failure in your self. A lost job becomes a loss of self identity. One slip from the best and suddenly we are failures.
This can make us feel frustrated at ourselves or others. 'How could I be so silly to think I could achieve that?' Or 'if they hadn't have started that job at the same time as me then I would have gotten that promotion.' This frustration causes our brains to react with an attack response. This can lead to self criticism. This self criticism attacks your sense of worth rather than what was an external experience. The 'I am worthless' thought pattern emerges. What can exasperate this trend is our emotions acting as constellations. An emotion can spark a memory of a similar situation or emotion causing a snowball effect of self deprivation.
Russell Brand stated 'the less external things I rely on the better'. The less you rely on outer body 'success' the more grounded you will feel and the more your self worth will be centred to your being rather than your environment. He also suggested that 'the process of failure is a situation labelled as negative just by my desire' therefore the gap between our desire and outcome is what causes that sense of failure or success. Creating more realistic goals and not fantasizing about the effects after a success should lead to lessen the impacts of set backs.
So, how can you identify with this thinking pattern?
'I am not as competent as other people and therefore I am a failure'
As humans we have a natural sense of competition however it becomes negative when this effects our perception of ourselves and self worth. Its important to note negative thinking patterns such as the 'I am' start of this thought pattern mixed with the generalisation of 'competent'.
Nothing seems as good as I want it to be.
Disappointment is a part of life that we can all learn to live with. It is also important to note the 'All or nothing' thinking style here. 'Either I succeed or I fail' in fact success is your own perception of your actions and therefore success is a sliding scale not a one or other situation. We can also feel this when comparing ourselves to other people. Try to think about whether the comparison is positive or negative. Some comparisons can give us sense of excitement and drive whilst others can drag us down.
I must do xyz to be a worthwhile person.
'I must' thinking patterns link our personal worth to outside situations. Switching these to a 'I would like to...' helps break this connection. Russell Brand stated ' I wrapped up my sense of self in success. If I do xyz I will be validated'.
All very well and good but I feel failure so what do I do?
Firstly failure is closely linked to fears. Think about what you are scared of. Maybe its that you are scared you wont live up to others expectations of you and they will be disappointed? Maybe its losing your sense of pride? Maybe you are scared of losing who you are or that you are scared you wont be good at anything? Whatever the fear acknowledge it as a valid emotion but just an emotion. Just because you think/feel something does not mean it is true. Meditation techniques may help you to disconnect (and just watch) your thoughts and feelings as separate parts to yourself.
Secondly remember that the pleasure of 'achievement' is short lived. Instead try to focus on your effort. Achievement brings a thrill however they quickly link to a moving goal post. Your brain enjoys the thrill of succeeding and therefore will create more and more goals to keep you pushing forwards.
Thirdly ask yourself 'why do I want to reach the standards that I have set myself? Is it to 'be somebody? impress others?' What do you really want to do?
Therefore dealing with 'failure' has to do with changing your perception. I will end with a quote from Russel Brand that I found useful ' If you feel like you are failing consider that you do not have all of the information. We have a limited perspective. More is revealed in time'.
Take care,
Lozzy
Where I got my information:
Books:
'Overcoming Depression' 3rd edition by Paul Gilbert
'Mindfulness: a practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world' by Mark Williams and Danny Penman
Website:
Mind - My mental health as an entrepreneur: Success, failure and recovery https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/your-stories/my-mental-health-as-an-entrepreneur-success-failure-recovery/
Video:
How to cope with failure - Russell Brand https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ie2LRZDS9o8
Today I am going to discuss my thoughts on success and failure. I know big topic but let me first explain why this has taken up such a large part of my brain space as of late.
I lost my job a few weeks back and it has forced me to stop and think about how I feel. The feeling of failure washed over me and I felt a loss much deeper than just a job. The loss of a future fantasy I had created in my mind and a loss of some of my self worth I had connected to work. So I have sat in my flat feeling a bit sorry for myself and very lost as to what to do next. I feel as though this will be a blessing as it will give me the space to discover what I really enjoy and want to do. But for now, I have just been trying to redefine my connection to 'success'. Basically it has been a very uncomfortable process that I am still navigating but I thought I would share some gems of wisdom and perspective that got me thinking.
How can we define success and failure?
What is success? By definition it is 'achieving your goals'. That seems so simple and lacking in stress compared to the definition I had created including expectations and deadlines. So if I just wanted to sit on my bum all day and do nothing could I say I felt successful? I guess so...but where does this sense of failure come from on a bigger scale? Why do I feel pressure to do 'big things' in my life outside of my own being?
Western society has set us up for a fall. The idea that 'if you work hard enough you can be anything' is false. That depends on a lot of things such as money, background, genes and a good dose of luck. As children we are praised for good grades so we work harder. We want to be the best and strive forward with 'I must be successful' attitude. This is all very well but becomes damaging when we start to place our sense of worth onto our perceived 'success' measured in societies goal posts. Suddenly instead of just failing a test becomes a failure in your self. A lost job becomes a loss of self identity. One slip from the best and suddenly we are failures.
This can make us feel frustrated at ourselves or others. 'How could I be so silly to think I could achieve that?' Or 'if they hadn't have started that job at the same time as me then I would have gotten that promotion.' This frustration causes our brains to react with an attack response. This can lead to self criticism. This self criticism attacks your sense of worth rather than what was an external experience. The 'I am worthless' thought pattern emerges. What can exasperate this trend is our emotions acting as constellations. An emotion can spark a memory of a similar situation or emotion causing a snowball effect of self deprivation.
Russell Brand stated 'the less external things I rely on the better'. The less you rely on outer body 'success' the more grounded you will feel and the more your self worth will be centred to your being rather than your environment. He also suggested that 'the process of failure is a situation labelled as negative just by my desire' therefore the gap between our desire and outcome is what causes that sense of failure or success. Creating more realistic goals and not fantasizing about the effects after a success should lead to lessen the impacts of set backs.
So, how can you identify with this thinking pattern?
'I am not as competent as other people and therefore I am a failure'
As humans we have a natural sense of competition however it becomes negative when this effects our perception of ourselves and self worth. Its important to note negative thinking patterns such as the 'I am' start of this thought pattern mixed with the generalisation of 'competent'.
Nothing seems as good as I want it to be.
Disappointment is a part of life that we can all learn to live with. It is also important to note the 'All or nothing' thinking style here. 'Either I succeed or I fail' in fact success is your own perception of your actions and therefore success is a sliding scale not a one or other situation. We can also feel this when comparing ourselves to other people. Try to think about whether the comparison is positive or negative. Some comparisons can give us sense of excitement and drive whilst others can drag us down.
I must do xyz to be a worthwhile person.
'I must' thinking patterns link our personal worth to outside situations. Switching these to a 'I would like to...' helps break this connection. Russell Brand stated ' I wrapped up my sense of self in success. If I do xyz I will be validated'.
All very well and good but I feel failure so what do I do?
Firstly failure is closely linked to fears. Think about what you are scared of. Maybe its that you are scared you wont live up to others expectations of you and they will be disappointed? Maybe its losing your sense of pride? Maybe you are scared of losing who you are or that you are scared you wont be good at anything? Whatever the fear acknowledge it as a valid emotion but just an emotion. Just because you think/feel something does not mean it is true. Meditation techniques may help you to disconnect (and just watch) your thoughts and feelings as separate parts to yourself.
Secondly remember that the pleasure of 'achievement' is short lived. Instead try to focus on your effort. Achievement brings a thrill however they quickly link to a moving goal post. Your brain enjoys the thrill of succeeding and therefore will create more and more goals to keep you pushing forwards.
Thirdly ask yourself 'why do I want to reach the standards that I have set myself? Is it to 'be somebody? impress others?' What do you really want to do?
Therefore dealing with 'failure' has to do with changing your perception. I will end with a quote from Russel Brand that I found useful ' If you feel like you are failing consider that you do not have all of the information. We have a limited perspective. More is revealed in time'.
Take care,
Lozzy
Where I got my information:
Books:
'Overcoming Depression' 3rd edition by Paul Gilbert
'Mindfulness: a practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world' by Mark Williams and Danny Penman
Website:
Mind - My mental health as an entrepreneur: Success, failure and recovery https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/your-stories/my-mental-health-as-an-entrepreneur-success-failure-recovery/
Video:
How to cope with failure - Russell Brand https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ie2LRZDS9o8
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