Little did I know that one year post graduation I’d be sat on my parents’ sofa, numbing my brain with day time telly and caffeine. Walking to maccas for a now 11am breakfast (highlight of my week) and bribing myself to go on walks via Pokémon Go. Maybe I thought I was something more than the average person when id graduate, that I somehow deserved something better. That I could jump up that corporate ladder but here I sit, unemployed and unimpressed. God what a sob story.
I was looking up at the stars last night (Looking for the meteor shower but that didn’t happen… typical) and it just hit me how insignificant I am. Maybe that sounds like I’m belittling my existence. I suppose in some ways I am. But not in the ‘god nothing matters’ kind of way but in the… well… positive ‘ it doesn’t matter’ kind of way. You know? Whatever I do I will still breathe, walk, talk and live (probably). In the grand scheme of things my actions do not influence a great deal of the universe. If I weren’t here it would still run. Billy Blogs doesn’t care if I empty his bins or fit his double glazing.
So, you are thinking, who cares about this one human typing on her keyboard and posting it on a blog? What for? For whom? Well for no one really. I like re-reading these in months to come and see how I change and where I go. How my focus changes. Whether I’m still so clueless about what’s to come or whether I am still clueless but it doesn’t scare me anymore. That’s the goal.
Back to my life thoughts… I think I want to teach… like biology teacher…teach. I want a job that I feel like I matter a bit. That I’m doing something that might help somebody and make a difference. Maybe id help a child become the next Darwin or maybe id help them be able to do that presentation that they are so scared to do. I can’t wait to learn something new and start getting somewhere. I’m longing for direction and I hope this is it.
Now, don’t get me wrong, it frightens me to death. I’ve always been quite shy and anxious and the thought of standing up in front of a class of teenagers petrifies me. ‘Take the leap’ people say but that isn’t my style. I’m planning on doing some classroom experience and seeing where that takes me. One step at a time. As Anne Bronte says:
Maybe she's right but maybe I should just be careful and pick that rose slowly. Its not the bold move, maybe I’m being careful and staying a little bit more in my safety blanket… maybe. I’m hoping I’m the tortoise and the hare doesn’t beat me in the long run, or the thorns don't spike me... either or.
In other news, buying a house is expensive and I should probably be a real adult and set up an ISA. God why is it when you turn like 22 everything becomes more serious.
Also I need to move out. A nice one bed. Yes please.
And there’s that minor thing of finding a job… cringes.
Anyway time to clean the kitchen and log onto Indeed…AGAIN.
If you are also feeling lost, like the world is this big confusing pile of mess, I get you. We can both watch re-runs of bake off at 1pm and scroll endlessly through job adverts. We will get ‘there’ or somewhere at least.
Chin up.
Much love,
Lozzy.
I was looking up at the stars last night (Looking for the meteor shower but that didn’t happen… typical) and it just hit me how insignificant I am. Maybe that sounds like I’m belittling my existence. I suppose in some ways I am. But not in the ‘god nothing matters’ kind of way but in the… well… positive ‘ it doesn’t matter’ kind of way. You know? Whatever I do I will still breathe, walk, talk and live (probably). In the grand scheme of things my actions do not influence a great deal of the universe. If I weren’t here it would still run. Billy Blogs doesn’t care if I empty his bins or fit his double glazing.
So, you are thinking, who cares about this one human typing on her keyboard and posting it on a blog? What for? For whom? Well for no one really. I like re-reading these in months to come and see how I change and where I go. How my focus changes. Whether I’m still so clueless about what’s to come or whether I am still clueless but it doesn’t scare me anymore. That’s the goal.
Back to my life thoughts… I think I want to teach… like biology teacher…teach. I want a job that I feel like I matter a bit. That I’m doing something that might help somebody and make a difference. Maybe id help a child become the next Darwin or maybe id help them be able to do that presentation that they are so scared to do. I can’t wait to learn something new and start getting somewhere. I’m longing for direction and I hope this is it.
Now, don’t get me wrong, it frightens me to death. I’ve always been quite shy and anxious and the thought of standing up in front of a class of teenagers petrifies me. ‘Take the leap’ people say but that isn’t my style. I’m planning on doing some classroom experience and seeing where that takes me. One step at a time. As Anne Bronte says:
But he, that dares not grasp the thorn should never crave the rose
Maybe she's right but maybe I should just be careful and pick that rose slowly. Its not the bold move, maybe I’m being careful and staying a little bit more in my safety blanket… maybe. I’m hoping I’m the tortoise and the hare doesn’t beat me in the long run, or the thorns don't spike me... either or.
In other news, buying a house is expensive and I should probably be a real adult and set up an ISA. God why is it when you turn like 22 everything becomes more serious.
Also I need to move out. A nice one bed. Yes please.
And there’s that minor thing of finding a job… cringes.
Anyway time to clean the kitchen and log onto Indeed…AGAIN.
If you are also feeling lost, like the world is this big confusing pile of mess, I get you. We can both watch re-runs of bake off at 1pm and scroll endlessly through job adverts. We will get ‘there’ or somewhere at least.
Chin up.
Much love,
Lozzy.
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