Maltesers and Me

This week has been a restful and thought evoking one. Maybe it’s been the combination of the ‘beast from the east’ making a wintry wonderland of scandy drama vibes and/or the virus that had me bed ridden and maybe has caused the cabin fever to go to my brain. But this week I have really been thinking… who am I?

Now hear me out. I’m not going on a journey of self-discovery where ill end up climbing mountains and contorting myself into yoga positions while soaking in the sun rise in the Bahamas (although that does sound good).  Instead it’s been more of the sat indoors watching copious amounts of youtube, movies and video games while eating family size packets of maltesers. 

Now maybe this is my quarter life crisis beginning or maybe I have always been trying to work out what makes me… me.

When looking back on my resolutions for this year it has hit me that all of them involve me trying to be authentically me. Anyone who watched dans video this week will understand this reference. If you haven’t seen it head over and watch it (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=90HDPSz3ldU).

Yes I know its march and yes this has taken me a few months to realise. Yes I’m 20 but perhaps 'finding me' is always going to be an ongoing task. Maybe there is no 'me' and instead 'me' changes every day with every new experience I have, every person I meet, every waking moment I think and every family size pack of maltesers I eat.

So here I sit in my living room scrolling through amazon trying to buy things to make myself happy when really I know they won’t evoke what I am truly looking for. However, still buying that makeup brush cleaner and graphic novel…. I know.

This year I’ve really been trying to find out what I like, what makes me happy and to stop anything that doesn’t (within reason). I’m going to try new things to find what little things make me tick. There are some things I know for certain;

·         Baths keep me balanced.

·         Reading (when I can be bothered) takes me away to another world and I enjoy to escape sometimes.

·         Art is very hit and miss and I need to access my mood before starting a masterpiece that ends up looking like a 5 years olds finger painting.

·         Painting my nails makes me feel like a put together human

·         Train rides looking out the window listening to dramatic music makes me feel badass especially with rain for added dramatic effect

·         Spending time eating and laughing with my friends re charges my ability to deal with stressful life things (aka university)

·         Family time helps me stay centred

·         Bf hugs make me feel secure

Things I’m not so sure about:

·         Do I cut my hair short again like I keep doing every couple of years and growing back and cutting like some kind of yoyo like renewal process or really am I trying to change things as a symbolism for a life changing new me?

·         Do I like working out or am I doing it because I believe I have to.

·         On the same vibe, I know meditation works for me so why don’t I do it?

·         Do I like graphic novels and want to start reading them to see? Answered my question going to buy one.

·         Does the free trial of amazon prime make me buy more stuff… yes it does.

·         Do I want to write a book… and like how?

·         Do I like playing video games like I loved playing Mario kart with my brother when I was like 10?

·         Does my google drive and laptop need clearing out and backing up… yes… will it make me feel better… yes… SO DO IT.

·         How can I tackle large uni projects that have been ongoing for nearly a year and find the motivation I had for the subject 3 years ago?

·         How do you learn 120 ish references in the space of like 10 weeks? My brain seems to think avoidance will solve that at the moment…

·         Where do I want this blog to go?

·         Do I want to take a year out to travel or is that just me wanting to escape the terrifying idea of life just being me working till I like… die.

·         Where do I want my uni degree to take me?

I need a holiday.

Such large life choices I know. But all the same these seem more important to me as of late with my uni life coming to an end and the feeling of life actually beginning. New flat, new jobs and just uncertainty that I’m sure everyone in their last term of uni starts to feel. Any suggestions for dealing with these quarter life crisis esc thoughts would be much appreciated.

End of this strange week post of in depth analysis of my brain… you are welcome. Off to buy my graphic novel and eat maltesers and avoid my dissertation and exam study… the usual.

Till next time,

Lozzy